That's Not Funny!
By John Kinde, DTM
Why people find your perfect joke offensive.
If a book of dirty jokes falls open in the woods and nobody is there... are the jokes offensive? No. You need an audience of at least one person.
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hether a joke is in poor taste is not about the content of the joke. And it's really not about the speaker or writer of the joke. It's about the interpretations and reactions of the listener or the reade5r. One person's joke is another person's rude comment. What makes one person laugh makes another person blush in embarrassment. What some people consider subtle wit is nothing but an insult to someone else. As speakers we need to understand some of the factors that account for these differences.
It's About Them
Conditioning By Society. People are influenced by their families, friends and other social and cultural experiences to think that certain things are funny, and that other things are offensive. This isn't necessarily good or bad. It just is, although it carries more of a negative impact when the offensive humor ruins relationships and attacks a group's self-worth. Humor based on a stereotype, even if it's accurate, can have a negative impact on society. On the other hand, humor can disarm a stereotype. Creating effective humor is very difficult, because the end result (the judgment of the receiver) has less to do with the speaker's intent, delivery or the content of the joke. It's more about the history, experiences and conditioning of the listener.
Playing Police Officer. Some people find material offensive not because it offends them, but because they are afraid it will offend someone else. They have a self-appointed role as the protector of society and they censor material they feel may cause discomfort to others. Sometimes these "police officers" play a valuable role in challenging poor-taste humor.
Perspective. A humor line can be offensive to men for one reason and to women for another reason. In a humor writing contest based on the gender of words, a writer submitted this line: "Pants are feminine because in most homes it's the women who wear them. " This can be offensive to women feeling it's a putdown of assertive women or women who work outside the home. It can also be offensive to men who feel it's an attack on their masculinity and that it implies that women are superior to them. In either case it doesn't matter what the attitude or intent of the speaker was. The perspective of the listener affects that person's reaction.
Such a history of oppression that they've become conditioned to see putdowns in places where none was intended. Being offended becomes an automatic, knee-jerk reaction. On the other hand, they may be living with a history in which humor was used as a weapon to dehumanize their particular minority.
For example, the Nazis in World War II
Pushing Buttons. I found a couple of satire Web sites that hit some hot spots. One was on the subject of relationships between blacks and whites. The other was on gay marriage. Both Web sites played with stereotypes. The comments posted to both sites demonstrated the power of satire to push buttons on both sides of an issue. It showed how people with opposing views on each subject could be offended by the same material. And conversely, it showed how people on both sides of the issues could love the Web sites and appreciate the humor. It was less about the sites than the opinions and judgment of the viewers. Other hot-button issues for humor include immigration, gun control, religion, abortion and affirmative action.
The Two Percent. It's said that two percent of people will be offended by anything you say or do. There is truth to that. Most jokes will probably be found offensive by someone. If your goal is to offend no one, don't speak or write to anyone. A better goal is to find the socially prevalent line that divides the humor of good and bad taste for most of your particular audience and try not to cross it without purpose. Accept the fact that some people will be offended no matter what you do, and don't lose sleep over their opinions Instead, concentrate on the 98 percent who remain and try not to alienate them.
What Can You Do?
Know Your Intent. Understand why you use humor. What is your motive behind each line of a joke? Is it that you really don't like the group you're poking fun at? When your're coming from a negative place, your humor is likely to be off target, offensive and divisive.
Have Self-Esteem. Although the impact of a joke depends on the receiver, it is also true that humor at others' expense is often created by people who are trying to boost their own self esteem by ridiculing others. I've noticed that people who are emotionally healthy and balanced are less likely to denigrade others than those who have self-worth issues.
Seek the Truth. Dont fall into the trap of thinking you own the truth. It's a mistake to label other people's actions and behaviors with the motivations you believe are behind them. Your guess will often be wrong. The resulting negative judgments will weaken your relationships.
Be Challenged. dont take the simple road to humor by doing the easy jokes based on sex, body parts and negative stereotypes. Create humor that takes thought and creativity. It's more challenging, more funny and less offensive. Two years ago I won our District Humorous Speech Contest with a speech that played with a challenging topic: how To succeed In Business By Going to Work Naked. The challenge was to develop a five- to seven-minute speech without talking about sex, body parts or bodily functions.
My favorite joke had innuendo that I just couldn't include in the speech, even though I loved it. It was good practice in making judgments on what was appropriate.
I'm sure some people thought, for their own valid reasons, that it was not an appropriate topic for a Toastmasters contest. Just the word "naked" pushed buttons for some people. And remember the two-percent rule? Winning four levels of Toastmasters competition indicated to me that I met the challenge of good taste.
Do your homework. Keep your radar tuned for the possibility of sensitive material in your talk. In most of my programs I include humor based on inside information about a group, provided to me before an event. When I presented a motivational program for a group in
Warning your target does not reduce the impact of the humor. Although it takes away the element of surprise for that one person, it's still fresh material for the audience as a whole. Since you've done your homework, it will make you more confident, and the person who is the target of the humor might lvoe the joke even more for taking part in its creation.
Get permission. Then, there was the time I was entertaining at a 50th birthday party. I sometimes do a segment referred to as "The Question Man" where I pretend to answer the audience's written questions. Actually I create all the questions and answers myself. That time, I had been informed that a guy named Bob was getting married for the fourth time. he had been divorced three times before. I knew that this might be a ripe subject for humor. But would Bob think it was funny? So Iasked him, "Is the fact that this is your fourth marriage something that you joke about?" The answer was yes. I also asked, "Does your fiancee think it's funny, and is it something that the two of you joke about?" yes and yes. Next, Ishared the joke with him in advance.
Here's the setup line: "I have been invited to Bob's wedding next month...should i go?" And my answer: "Yes...and to the one next year too!" I implied that by next year he will be planning his fifth wedding. The joke was a hit and Bob and his fiancee loved it. I was comfortable using it because I had requested permission.
Play it safe. The time-tested advice from the speaking circuit is "when in doubt...leave it out." Although I'll push the edge occasionally, over the years I've become more conservative in my judgments. Always play it safe and you'll never have to be sorry.
Not long ago I observed an elderly woman being seated at a blackjack table with a man who was in his 50s. He was bold enough to ask the woman's age. She replied that she was 91 years old. His response was: "My grandmother was 91 when she died! When you get to heaven, look her up and tell her I said hi." His comment was the same as saying: "You're almost dead!" No doubt he meant well and was trying to be jovial with her, but it's possible he offended her instead.
Be a student. When you find a Web site or newspaper article that you love or hate, ask yourself why you feel the way you do. Try to understand what is pushing your buttons. Then study the postings and opinions of others Try to understand what makes other people tick. You'll become stronger at building relationships when you understand yourself and others.
Walk A Mile. Step into the shoes of someone different from you. Be sensitive. Build links, relationships and bonds. Use humor to grow our collective family and not tear it down. let your positive humor shed light the next time you take the platform to entertain and move an audience.
Copy from: Toastmasters Magazine October 2006, volume 72,No.10
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